Wednesday, March 30, 2016

life-mares

Yessss.  Thank you..for that thunder storm that is rolling in right now.  It fits my mood perfectly.  A gentle rumble...a slow drizzle, turning into a pour.

I've been adulting realll hard lately, and while I'm proud of myself, I'm also really irritated and sick of it.  It feels great to be organized, and check things off of my to-do list.  Amazing, really.  But, wow.  It's exhausting.  And sick.  I don't have time for anything else, it seems.  I bought a planner for the first time ever this year, and it's awesome and all that jazz, and I love putting things in there to remind myself of what I need to do.  But...it's never-ending.

I'm sick of going to work to make the money to live my life, which I can't live because I'm always at work.  That'ssss the story of my life.  I'm always like, "what should I do with my life?" and I'm thinking that now, but I have to remember that this IS my life, and I'm living it right now.  Which brings me back to the first post of this blog earlier in the year, where I talked about being intentional.  That's what I'm supposed to do, because I'm living my life now, and I need to make it count.  now.

What do I want to do?  I don't know.  There are so many options, yet so many limitations at the same time.  I like to choose the safe way, the way where I know what I'll be doing day to day, and how much money I'm going to make, and that everything's going to be okay.  I'd like to be braver, and heck I'd probably take a whole lot more (and likely a lot of stupid) risks if it weren't for the fact that I'm married to a man who loves his job, his life, and where he lives.  I love that man.  so much.  And I wouldn't trade him for crazy risk-taking adventures.  I just hope I find my way along with him to what I need to do next in this CRAZY thing called life.

do I have issues.  yep.

Should I be an artist?  That'd be awesome.  I'd make no money, though..
I'd love to work with animals.
or old people.
or mentally handicapped people...
..environmental issues or animal rights!
gah.
I'm just not set on any one thing, like my gut doesn't tell me exactly what I need to do.  I'm always so jealous of people who know what they want to do right off the bat, like from childhood, and they just do it, and love it.  That's amazing for them.  Just wish I had a calling as well.

This should probably be more of a journal post, and not a blog post, really, as I'm typing this through tears and probably not going to publish it.  But maybe under some bad judgement and too much wine I will.

If you know what I should do, please enlighten me.  I'd love for someone to just tell me, and me to not have to make a decision!  ha.  thanks.

p.s.
my life's not horrible!  it's pretty good, actually.  I'm just bored!  and I feel like I have so much more to offer than I am, and I want to pursue things in life, and not just look at awesome things and say, oh that's really great that someone is doing that, but not me.  Someone else will do that great thing, but I  never could.  why not?!?

pps.
you know what?  I'm gonna post this!  obviously.  because you're reading it...
because you know why?  because who cares.  that's how I'm feeling more and more, and I like it.  who cares what people think of me, I'm getting old.  I'm about to turn 30, and I have a white hair in my bangs.  I don't care if people think I'm cool anymore.  I'm more about being real and practical (there it is again...adulting.  I don't really feel like an adult, though.  I feel like I'm forever young, and I should be acting and dressing older, but I'm not feeling it.  when do I need to act old?  whatever.).
okay, i kinnnda care.  that ya'll are gonna think i'm mental.  and I am a little, but that's okay.  all the best of us are! (alice in wonderland, anyone?!)

4 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah,how I hear you! HONESTLY, at 60, I'm still trying to figure this thing called "life" out! BUT, I know for certain that we are here to glorify the Lord, and that's why He made the likes of us messed up people! But He doesn't FORCE us to glorify Him...He wants us to WANT to! So, whatever else we decide to do, THAT is the bottom line. Bring GLORY to His name! Col. 3:23 says to "work as for the Lord, not man..."THAT brings Him glory! Your sweet giving heart does, too! In SO many ways, through our days, we have choices to make...but all the glory of it goes to Him! So, when I hear the thunder rolling outside, I say, "Hello God!" HE makes that! HE gives us the spring flowers, the rainbows & sunsets, the good health to even get out of bed in the morning! GLORY TO GOD!

    You are a beautiful child of the King of Glory! And I love you so much!
    ~mom

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    1. Thanks, Momma! As always, you are right! I love you TONS!! <3 <3 <3

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  2. I fully hear where your coming from! Last year at this time I was feeling the same way, and even in some ways still do. But then I said screw it and took a huge risk and it worked out for me. And now my life is taking a shape I very much like, everything always works itself out but you sometime just need to take a leap of faith and just cross your fingers it works out.
    Good luck Sarah!

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